BEFORE: Irene

Thanks, NASA

Target... almost as unbearable as snakes on a plane

 You would think the apocalypse was coming based on the scene in the grocery stores in Harlem.  Lines snaked through aisles in hopes of getting to the cash register before Irene made her debut. I lasted 3 minutes before I left a basket full of canned beans and beer in the middle of the store and walked out. I find that the contents of a shopping cart in preparation for a natural disaster explain a lot about a persons character. I can't tell you how many people were stocking up on frozen tv dinners and popsicles. Which seems like a genius idea... until the power goes out.

Line outside TJ's

The city has shut down. There are about 6 cabs buzzing through midtown. Even Broadway closed for the weekend... this is what a Sunday matinee would look like:

 Crowds are not my forte, despite my efforts to embrace the city and its inhabitants. After three months of 110% humidity, rats running across my feet in the subway, one too many jaunts through Times Square with millions of tourists, an earthquake and hurricane in the same week, I feel like I put up a good fight, tried New York on for size, but it just didn't fit. Don't get me wrong, summer in the city was a blast, but I miss my mountains and ability to disappear into mother nature's most fabulous creation, without seeing a soul. They don't call Montana The Last Best place for nothing. Pretty bummed to sit in my apartment for my last weekend in the city... thanks Irene for sending me out in style!

Good thing I'm a Lactard

  So here I sit, waiting for le storm... over 2 million people have been forced to evacuate, and the subway system was shut down for the first time ever... It is currently pouring rain and windy. In about 6 hours, it will be a different story. And of course there are tornado warnings as well... the world might be coming to an end after all.  I'll report the after math manana. Wishing I had a surfboard...

I'll be wearing this when I get off the plane. Happy weekend!

Do they know the difference between a tornado and a hurricane? (Getty)

Why I'm moving back to MT

True or False…  strength of character attracts strength of character?

Let’s play a game… when I say “alpha” you say “female”…  ALPHA! FEMALE! ALPHA FEMALE!

When I say “intimidation” you say “factor” … INTIMIDATION! FACTOR! INTIMIDATION! FACTOR!

I guess I only have myself to thank for the dichotomy I’m faced with daily… “Sweet Wench” really has a ring to it.

I kicked ass in flag football in 2^nd grade and not a lot has changed. Except that I got taller. And stopped dressing like a boy.  My point is that, being born with a dominant personality lends itself well in the office and on the court, but when it comes to relationships… take the G-Fat’s advice and “FA-GET ABOUT IT.”

This is not a new revelation I’ve unearthed… quite the opposite. It is my life in a nutshell really: Artist on a Mission. Try to keep up. The reason my attention has been caught recently, is my involuntary social experiment here in NYC. It is always interesting how strangers respond to a 6’2” blonde… I blend in pretty well in California, sans “enhancements,” yet only get hit on by men with enhancements i.e. meatheads and creepy uncles. In Italy the men would literally follow me down the street asking me to bare their first born, jumping at my feet like little poodles yelping “Pet me, pet me!” But in le Apple, I’m dealing with an entirely different beast. I’d like to introduce you to The Trancyclist Sexican. Visualize, if you will, a senornada (south-a-la-border version of  a tranny) in hot pants (booty shorts), a bikini top and combat boots. Perplexing, I know. Don’t hurt yourself. He/She pedaled up behind me, with legs like Arnold in his glory days, but with more hair, and snickered “I-i-i-i-i-I Mom-eeeee!” “Ehhhh, no?!” I wasn’t sure if it was a proposition, a question or an allergic reaction, but I knew my answer would be NO, no matter what. He/She popped her lips and hissed all the way from 75^th to 100^th street, and sadly, that was the most action I’ve gotten since I’ve been here. The Miniture Sexicans selling wieners (pork and their own) on street corners don’t count. I’m not racist… I’m sure white transgender crackers gave Sexicans the idea of “both”…  but I do I feel like I’m listening to Rosetta Stone para Espanol on the subway everyday.

So in conclusion, the only men that are not intimidated by me, are half-woman. Go figure.

 I wish rejection letters were a tax write-off… if only every employer, loan officer and man could just spit out a receipt with the time, date and reason you’re not “the right fit," I’d have a trunk full of paper slips. And I’d make a big beautiful collage out of them with blurbs about each day. Where I got my coffee… The pigeon I kicked… The epiphany I came up with while waiting for a phone call… The girl that stopped me to tell me she thought I was beautiful… it will hang on my Victory Wall in my office.  MY office. That I built. 


 How do you get over “NO?” How do you bounce back? What gets you out of bed? Hasn’t someone written a HOW TO make fears, heartache and tears disappear (and rhyme while doing so)? Or simply HOW TO avoid the Tough Stuff. I thought I’d give it a whirl…

Whit’s 24 14 Reasons NOT To Give Up

1. MOTIVATION

Whether that chicken had a fox at her heels or there was a No Egg Left Behind Alert, she got to the other side. How she actually got there is irrelevant.

2. PULSE

You’re already here, breathing and upright, you might as well give it shot.

3. PREPSTER

“So there I was, mindin’ my business, and in walks opportunity…

4. 8^th GRADE

Do something worthy of jealousy just to make those bullies from Junior High cringe. It will make you feel better when you give them a $10 tip on the cup of coffee they just poured you.

5. DETERMINATION

If you are that bully slinging coffee and pancakes, use that ten bucks to buy a spark plug, shove it you-know-where and remember that you have to start somewhere.

6. INSPIRATION

Unless you sit around thinking about what a complete loser you are all day, take your imagination and run with it…  if you think you’re going to fail, you will.  At least you’ll have something in common with those around you.

7. LET GO

Oh P.S. you have zero control anyway.  So take your hands off the wheel and enjoy the ride.

8. STAY

Hungry. If you’re anything like me, you need to feed a hunger. Literally and figuratively. Good food replenishes and refuels. Craving is key.

9. HARD TIME

Nelson Mandela is one of very few people who made his jail time worth a damn. Paying off loans isn’t optional and Professional Inmate is not a desirable title.

10. PATIENCE

Nobody gets it right the first time. How boring would that be? And seriously, good things come to those who wait. I mean, don’t sit around watching reality TV all day thinking lightning will strike at any moment, but know that not allowing something to manifest, might disrupt a crucial agenda.

11. ODD BALL

Whether you routinely stamp this on your forehead on your way out the door, or pull a Lance Armstrong and have to get rid of one, adversity is strength. Even if you can’t ride a bike.

12. TOLD YA SO

What is more satisfying than achievement? Proving someone wrong? Ok fine. It’s a tie.

13. ELEVATOR

Various modes of transportation can be beneficial, but sometimes when your thoughts are conflicting, you need to find the nearest exit, and take a stroll down to your heart to figured things out.

14. GARBAGE

Oscar the Grouch prefers chewing gum, q-tips and rejection letters. He’s allergic to dreams and goals.

Just an FYI, there is no avoiding the tough stuff. The challenge is where you end up when and if you get through it, and what you learn along the way.

Today's episode of Life Coach was sponsored by Perseverance.  Stay tuned for a re-run of Hire Me, sponsored by Discouragement for Women: keeping you on the brink of sanity for days on end!

Operation: Hiss Hiss Bang Bang

Storyline: "No roommates? On the contrary..."

First thought: Mouse. 

Second thought: No frigging way. 

Third thought/realization: Cockroach the size of a mouse. 

Soundtrack: La Coo Ca Racha! 

Plan of Attack: KILL

Weapon of choice: Heel of woman's size 10 shoe

Notes:

Crunch crunch crunch... murdering a cockroach was like trying to staple a snake to the ground. Or asking a man to nail down plans. IMPOSSIBLE. Which is my number one fear (snakes, not men), so you can imagine my jovial attitude towards the little you-know-whater. I was like a Honey Badger sitting on my bed, waiting to pounce, and he, the Cheshire Cat. Appear. Vanish. Scamper by shoe. Pick up shoe. Nothing. Something... the only reason I knew he was still there was because I could hear him chewing on an abandoned sunflower seed. I would not succeed on Fear Factor. When I finally nailed the sucker (solid content for Americas Funniest Home Videos), it smelled like someone opened a Ziploc full of hard boiled eggs. From last Easter. How someone justifies consuming one is pathetic, wrong and beyond me. My gag reflex did not bode well just being in the same room.

I partook in an involuntary routine this week… whilst shampooing my disheveled melon in the shower Monday morning, a fire alarm sounded. I live on the 20^th floor, so not only was I less than enthusiastic to take the stairs with hordes of people, but I looked like a drowned Persian cat. I opted for not burning to death, and made my way to ground level.  False alarm of course. And the elevators were out of order once we were allowed back in the building, so I hoofed it up le stairs (winter conditioning flash-backs, barf). Good way to start your morning- drenched in soap scum and sweat. Tuesday evening I stayed with my best gal pal who was visiting from WYO, so there very well could have been another alarm without me knowing. Wednesday morning, same thing- shower, alarm. Instead of evacuating, I decided to shave my legs and brainstorm my letter to the mother of the girl on the 16^th floor, thanking her for teaching her offspring how to cook eggs without burning a 20-story building down. Thursday, nada. But Friday, er, this morning… 4:10 am- alarm. Nope, staying in bed. 5:02 am- alarm. Not only annoyed at this point, but going deaf. 6:15 am- alarm. Rage is an understatement. As I write this, I literally received an apology email from Housing Services. Nope, not good enough. I want a handwritten letter from the electrician. In blood. Which still won’t make up for the sweat and tears caused from pit stains and calf cramps. 

In more bright and sunshiny news… check out some pics to see what I’ve been up to as of late...

Let's all get rid of our cell phones, shall we?

Sunday Flea Market, great coffee table piece

Cruisin the Buick through New Haven, CT

Expressionism in Greenwich Village

(Literally) shaved ice on the HighLine

So many love letters...

I can't find it on Google maps... anyone? Bueller?

"Our doubts are traitors, 

and make us lose the good we oft might win, 

by fearing to attempt."

-Willy Shaken'bake

(William Shakespeare)

And with that my friends, I bid you adieu. 

Have a marvelous weekend... more from le Apple later!

" Every day, try to make one person happy. Very soon you will find that your life has become full of happiness."

HAPPY FRIDAY LOVELIES

The way a person describes a color can say a lot about them. How it makes them feel, what they associate it with. Responses may range between generic, complex, or inspiring… a simple description can speak volumes about one’s character. For instance, I have a deep infatuation with the color grey. Soft lambs wool, warm butter cream with a hint of lavender, or smoky pearl. Makes me feel fuzzy inside. Now all I need is a spoon.

I asked a girl this morning what color her suede peep toe sling backs were. Her response: "I dunno. greyish... blueish... somethin'." Sweetheart, Uggs are greyish. You spent $780 on Yves Saint Laurent shoes and failed to read the color, conveniently placed right next to the price? Go enjoy your boring job (if you have one). For the record, I would call them Moody Mouse.

My love for this color might stem back to the ranch where I grew up. We raised quarter horses and the majority of them were grey… my gelding Peso was the love of my life. That boy had patience. And then there was Junebug, my silly little filly who I swear had Diva in her. She followed me around like a pup, we shared turkey sandwiches and she would steal my Diet Coke. No I’m not kidding. She literally would pick the bottle up with her teeth and tip it back. Sweetheart of a horse.

It’s ironic how I migrate towards the color grey for how black and white I am. Some would say extreme, I prefer fastidious. Determined. Intuitive. I know what I like. I know what I want. I’m not good at “somewhere in the middle.” I like to call it Maybeland. The waiting hours in Maybeland… great book title, eh? It is defined as: "relative obscurity. The quality of being difficult to understand. The state of being unknown.” Exactly.

I read somewhere, “Don’t define your world in black and white, because there is so much hiding amongst the greys.” Intruiging… maybe that’s why B&W photography puts me at ease. (I realize I am contradicting myself throughout this post... "She was definitive, yet scatterbrained...")

To me grey is patience, which I have very little of. Maybe I make up for my lack of patience internally by projecting it externally. Aesthetically, I like the way it looks and makes me feel. Comfortable. Sophisticated. Tan. Especially with a berry accent… Voila! I feel like a million bucks.

WHY GREY? BECAUSE MY IDEAS ARE SO COLORFUL. Here’s some inspiration:

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Thanks!

I hope everyone had a fabulous Independence Day... I spent the evening on the Yankee Ferry in Hoboken, NJ. Could not have had a better view. Outstanding show.

 I've been in the Big Apple for over a month now, and the biggest lesson I have learned? ASK. Ask and ye shall receive. Whether it inspires a revelation, is the answer you didn't want to hear, a swift kick to the ego or dressing on the side, you will never grow if you do not ask.

- I've learned more (computer) keyboard shortcuts in the last 30 days than I learned in 8 years of college.
- I've learned that the hip-hop group Naughty By Nature has not updated their wardrobe since O.P.P. came out.
- I've learned that trusting my instincts ALWAYS puts me on top, even if it is less-than-pleasant in the meantime.
- I've learned (the hard way) that you shouldn't go 5 months without eating dairy and "test" your guts with feta cheese. And that Asians don't process dairy. I'm either Asian or lactarded.
- I've learned that no matter how hard you try, how much you analyze, how much you wish, hope and pray, you really have no control. It's better to just let go and enjoy the ride.
- I've learned that there is a relentless battle between Fact and Emotion.  Math vs. Science. Matter vs. Mind. Head vs. Heart. The most relevant example of this is the consciences of the Casey Anthony Trial jurors. I won't go into logistics on that whole bag of wrong, but the concept of a solid answer vs. an idea is my latest ponderism. This might be where you decide to check the "you're crazy" box at the end of this post.

To summarize, just ask. Who ever said there are no stupid questions was wrong. (Can blind people see their dreams?) There definitely are stupid questions. But are the people asking stupid questions in fact smart for asking the question in the first place? Riddle me this...

I passed this church on my run home from work this week... thought I was in Europe for a minute.

 

And then I came across this pick-up truck last night, and thought I was back in Montana...

Forgive the picture quality

 Happy Friday Lovelies!